Self-smarting myself

After 11 years of struggling to finish a degree program, debasing myself to beg my managers to please let me leave early or at lunch and come back later so I could attend class, doggedly wrapping my schedule around the irrational, inconsiderate ones of the programs at UNO (which are clearly not created with full-time workers in mind), after the frustration of moving money between accounts so I could float a tuition check and almost choking on the cost of ridiculously expensive textbooks, after the countless swallowing of my retorts when a professor I might have to take again rebuffs my questions on homework assignments-- and still getting home in time to fix dinner...I am DONE.

I AM DONE WITH IT. FINITO!

I had an epiphany this morning. For years I have been pushing so hard to mold myself into what I was pretty sure I would need to be in order to get where I want to be. I have been pushing my education 100% on top of work and other things that are important to me, thinking that stupid slip of paper was the gateway, the requirement necessary to pursue other opportunities-- because really, every grad program requires an undergrad degree. Duh. Creighton's Master's program in Portfolio Planning and Securities Analysis remains a pipe dream without it. But I'm just so tired and stressed and a little depressed that it's taking so long, and I know this bitch of a feeling. If she rears her head in the middle of next semester with a prof I don't particularly like, I'm SO fucked. So I decided to take the fall semester off to relax and cook and knit and get happier. Even though I'm pretty sure it'll fuck up my class rotation and it'll be harder to get back into the Spanish after that. And then I thought it-- am I going about this wrong, thinking about it so rigidly that I'm not leaving room for any other creative solutions? Are there any ways around this motherfucker of a wait? MAYBE there's a way around a degree. MAYBE I can still go in the direction I want without the benefit of that fucked piece of paper. MAYBE I could apply into a financial advising program and just fudge my resumé with a "UNO grad May 2010" and nobody would check! Oh, you think I'm joking. I'm not above lying. Whatever. What'd be the worst to happen? "Ms. Maggie, we checked on your 'degree' and you are a liar. DENIED." Oooh, burn.

So anyways, I looked online at what would be required to earn a Certified Financial Planner designation, and yeah, pretty much don't qualify for that. "After you pass the CFP® Certification Examination, you will be required to provide evidence (official transcript from the degree-granting institution) that you hold a qualified bachelor's degree or higher degree." Bastards. I can't fake that one. 

I left that site and went to see what would be required to certify as a Chartered Financial Analyst instead. And here, my friends, here you can see my future. Also YOUR future since you bitches are gonna come to me and let me handle your retirement funds, right? RIGHT?

"Have a bachelor's (or equivalent) degree

- or be in the final year of your bachelor's degree program at the time of registration

- or have four years of qualified, professional work experience

- or have a combination of work and college experience that totals at least four years"

I totally knock "or equivalent" out of the fucking PARK.

Pretty much the entire curriculum consists of what I've already studied to earn my licenses at work. Rehash it all? Can DO. So not a problem. So, I'm going to:

1) Do this program and become a CFA.

2) Leave Compliance and the beautiful days of no client interaction, become an Investment Consultant and move to the branch in Rockbrook to get cozy with actual clients again.

3) Leave the branch at Husband's go-ahead (bc he'll be a super hot exec by then, yeah!) and become a Registered Investment Advisor through work, handling my own accounts for our friends, family and people we love. People whose retirements and money I actually care about and who don't piss me off and make me feel stabby. And I'll do this in my own building. With my own employees. Maybe in my own house with my own offspring. "Maggie and Sons Retirement Planning." HA!

4) Everyone will retire on sunny tropical islands and drink mojitos all day. Because that's what retirement should be!

How funny-- six years after I met Husband, I married him. Six years after I met my work, I decided to marry it! And I feel totally comfortable with it.

Don't get me wrong-- I love speaking Spanish and I definitely plan on being fluent (or near fluent) for the rest of my life. I will talk to as many Spanish-speakers as I can and travel to Spanish-speaking countries as often as possible. For a really long time, up until as recently as a week ago, it was a point of shame for me that I am one of the very few people I know who doesn't have a college degree. It's weird to have such a wonderful group of smart, successful friends and be the only one without it. But as of today, that shamefaced shit is over with--I am no longer contorting my life to fit into the stupid mold UNO demands. Because I don't need the degree. I can go where I want to go without it, I can actually build a successful advising business without it-- and that makes me feel freer than I have in years. I'm going to self-smart myself. SO THERE.

Four more class periods and my long and illustrious career with universities is over. And I will be loud and proud to never go back. I think I just might throw a kegger! Keg stands all around!