Purse Bitch

Okay. So I have this dilemma and prease help me. I promise the end of this post has a point. I have a Blackberry and it's whatever. I refuse to pay for internet service because it's like $30 and what tard is going to pay that to have internet on their phone? (read: all my tard friends I LOVE JOO) I clog my head with the internet all day long as it is, I don't need to be available while I'm in the john too. AT&T doesn't require us to buy internet for this smartphone because we got bought it before the data plan was required to be purchased along with. Anyways. A couple years ago, I lost the super special Blackberry sheath that came along with it. My cousin Bev keeps telling me to call it a "sleeve" like any other normal person, but I like "sheath," it makes me think of condoms. 

So this awesome sheath protected the phone and had some crazy magnet magic in it that automatically "slept" the phone while it was in there to conserve battery power-- and, most importantly to this gal who really likes drinky drinks with a clutch under her arm, I discovered that it also prevented my purse from roller-balling through my address book and calling random people. Yes, I am aware I have a lock feature on the phone. I use it all the time. You hold down the Mute button and it locks-- I use that all the time but it's wimpy and somehow whilst moving around in my purse any given weekend night, the lock gets turned off and then all hell breaks loose. My purses will purse-dial, purse-text and leave drunk purse-messages and sometimes it's funny. Normally I wouldn't care that much. But it is a PROBLEM and this is why: Purse doesn't like to call random people. She prefers to call one person.

More often than not, stupid ass Purse decides it would be hilarious, HILARIOUS!! to purse-dial one of my Spanish classmates (now former classmate given that I've independently graduated from the shackles of corporate schooling albeit while shackling myself to corporate America but I DIGRESS), a classmate who happens to be a very good-looking 42-year-old corporate lawyer. With a hot name. WITH A FAMILY. Of all the 200+ contacts I have in my phone, Purse thinks it's the fucking BEST to scroll down to his letter and give the guy's balls a jingle. It's happened like a million fucking times. Lucky for me she only calls his office since I have that set as the primary number. But really, if Purse can scroll to his name, she'll figure out how to scroll to the secondary number. So I changed his name to just the last name, then just his initials and then HCL (Hot Corporate Lawyer...to whom we will now refer as HCL, assuming I ever mention him again) to see if that stopped the madness, but bitch ass Purse was on to me and somehow figured it out. How does this happen in a fucking purse??? It's just getting jostled under my arm, maybe by my ass if the bar table is all wet and I tuck it behind me on the chair-- that's ALL. It's not like I'm playing catch with the purse and she decides to get revenge. I'm not losing her in the bar or dropping her on the gross ass floor. I don't spill shit on her. I take care of my things and she is just an UNGRATEFUL frenemy bitch! Purse doesn't purse-dial anyone so much as she purse-dials him because she knows he is the absolute worst person I could ever pick for a purse-dial, pocket-dial, or drunk dial. (Note: I have never drunk-dialed anyone. Wee!) Purse hasn't yet figured out how to purse-dial his cell phone instead of his office phone, so he has miraculously only received one purse-dial out of literally a dozen attempts by Purse (which was actually a pocket-dial). But really, it's just a matter of time. Purse is gonna figure it out and when she does, HCL's wife is going to crucify me and murdelize him. 

So this brings me to my dilemma. I told you there was a point and the point is that I'm looking online for a new sheath so I can contain this plague of frequent Purse-herpes and they are a whopping $29.99 on the Blackberry site. Uh, fuck you. I got mine for free with my phone, I want another for near-free. So I looked on eBay and I found the same damn thing for prices ranging from $0.99 to $3.95. I really want to buy one of those but I'm paranoid-- they're not from Blackberry dealers, what does that mean? Is there going to be some crazy software in the magical sheath that downloads all my friends' info and sends them spam? Will there be mystery charges on our bills? Obvi I don’t even get online with this phone much less access anything password-protected, I just call and text, but I still don't want anything creepy downloaded on it. Is that even possible to do with a chip thingy in a sheath?

I thought perhaps I could change the lock feature to another button that might be harder for Purse to unlock, but I did and then look what happened when all I did was go to the symphony. By the way, I'm sparing you most of this text convo since it's awesomely cat. OOH, NEW CATEGORY!


Me: DUH, vicious snub! Bitch was a bitchy bitch to me!
Ellie: Just checkin yer brain. Husband want to be nice?
Me: He always does but I am a grudgemaster. Good thing she didn't approach.
Me: 
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Ellie: PURSE-DIALING!!!!
Me: 
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Ellie: Tell purse bitch I'm goin to bed so knock it off!!
Me:
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Me: GOD DAMN PURSE!!!
  


So as you can see.....nipping this in the bud is of the utmost importance.