You put a what in your where??

Here on Gini & Tonic, we only have marginal boundaries, and as I get older, those boundaries seem to weaken further and further. And so it is with only a modicum of apprehension that I share with you the following.


I'll spare you the gory details, but basically I got a little too kinky recently and now something weird is going on downstairs. I am aware that I could request a visit my internist to have something prescribed, but that would take weeks because it's the Med Center and it always takes weeks, and then I would smell like glue for awhile and only after another cycle would I be back to normal. Alternately, I could go to Planned Parenthood and presumably be seen before Friday, but I'm pretty sure I don't fit their minimum requirements, i.e. I don't have Juicy stamped across my ass (thanks rl) and I actually make more than $5.25 an hour. However, that option is equally a no-option because dammit, I am not interested in missing work for this bullshit. So instead I turned to the interwebs because Google has all the answers and really, I should be able to fix this shit at home.


And it turns out I can! All I have to do is soak a tampon in yogurt and let my vagina snack on it!


I actually read a bit about this on Nicole's blog and was like WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYBODY DO SUCH A BIZARRE THING! Clearly I had no idea I would also be riding the yogurt wave one short month later out of a desperate desire for my sweet-smelling muffin to return to me. Thanks a lot for holding out, Google. Well. At least now I can just sit on a yogurt-bathed tampon in peace and broadcast it to internet friends instead of to a judgey doctor.


Behold:

Yes indeed, that's what you think it is. Low-fat because my girl is plump enough already, thanks. Husband isn't home or he'd be all "what in the fucking fuck fuck are you doing??" And then I'd offer him a bite.


Hm...I wonder if he'd accept or if he'd be too weirded out? Anyway, onward and upward!

UPDATE: This totally worked!! Homegirl is fresh as an angel's whisper! 

SECRETS don't make FRIENDS!

Last week I got a mass email forward from a friend with some inspirational wisdom, something about letting go of stress and freeing yourself from the trapping of worry and frustration and la la la. I have no problem freeing myself from worry, but Husband? Husband is a ball of stress. So I replied to the friend saying I would send it to him, and then she replied saying she thought he was copied on there, so I went and looked at the recipients...and indeed, I saw an email address next to his name. An email address of which I had previously had NO. KNOWLEDGE. 

Um?! Insert screeching tires track.

WHAT WAS THIS??????

I have known this man for 11 years and he's never had any more than one personal Yahoo account and only recently one work account. Earlier this year I tried unsuccessfully to switch him to Gmail and he was resistant. And yet HERE in front of my FACE was a GMAIL address with very identifiable details and his name next to it! I felt dread and fury swell up in my chest and color my face. And I knew in an instant that I HAD to break into that account and see what this secret shit was about. 

(By the way, homegirl here has broken into TWO bitch ex-friends' email accounts to snoop, wreak havoc and erase contacts. Don't piss me off. I can do shit.) 

I grimly exited all my windows and brought up a new browser page. Entered the previously-unknown (!!!) Gmail handle and clicked the forgot-password link. Chose to answer the secret verification question, typed in all his details, fingers stamping the keys, and then got hung up on the stupid question I was pretty sure I'd know. What was the name of his first teacher!? SERIOUSLY??? WE HAVE EVEN TALKED ABOUT THAT. GODDAMMIT!

I decided to break into the Yahoo account instead on the bet that I'd know the answers to those secret questions, and then just have Gmail email the password to Yahoo. Oh yes-- I know all the tricks. Usually. So I went to Yahoo and went through the whole rigmarole again, entered the deets, cracked the questions.....and then the screen said "Husband, you are verified! Create your new password below."

And then I couldn't do it.

Stupid, soft, not-desirous-of-trust-breaking wife. STUPID! SOFT! GUILTY-FEELING!

I had expended my unreasoning ire in the multiple steps required to break into his accounts and, unbidden, rationale came charging back to break up my party. I HATE YOU, RATIONALE.


So I emailed him instead, after closing the page to remove the temptation to set the password as "Di11hole."

From: Gini & Tonic

To: Husband

Re: WHY DO YOU HAVE A SECRET GMAIL ACCOUNT??????

Tell me immediately before I break into it and find out for myself. Because I can. MY FINGER IS ON THE BUTTON.

From: Husband

To: Gini & Tonic

Re: YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS

Uh, HELLO?!?!?!?!???? Spam box! Do you not have enough to do? I am seriously drowning in work over here. I might just let it pull me under and take me slowly to the bottom.

From: Gini & Tonic

To: Husband

Re: WHY DO YOU HAVE A SECRET GMAIL ACCOUNT??????

 Oh yeah, I'm sure every husband caught with a secret email account has said that! Don't even try your Catholic guilt thing on me. If it's for spam, why does HALEY have it? Silly Haley sent a mass forward and included my address AND your secret one. Who else is secretly emailing you on it? How long have you had this under wraps? I HATE SECRETS, STOP WITH YOUR SECRET-KEEPING THIS INSTANT!

From: Husband

To: Gini & Tonic

Re: YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS

PSYCHO!! I am not keeping secrets, it is for spam. And why do you think Haley has it?? Obviously I don't want her stupid anti-vaccine forwards and inspirational quotes! (oh, the irony) Quit freaking out, I'll show it to you later. I have work to do.

From: Gini & Tonic

To: Husband

Re: WHY DO YOU HAVE A SECRET GMAIL ACCOUNT??????

 Very convenient that you'll show it to me "later" after you've had all day to clean it up instead of just giving me the password.

From: Husband

To: Gini & Tonic

Re: YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME ON YOUR HANDS

I am not feeding your psychosis. WORKING NOW.

By the end of the day I'd forgotten about it. Ha! No, it's true. I didn't remember until the next day when Husband had to do some work from home and left his Yahoo account open in a neighboring tab when he got up to take a break and get a soda. I hijacked that shit right away to look at Facebook and why was that tab blinking? Click....what is this? Anya Slutyakovska wants to be your Yahoo chat friend? WHAT????? 

I am not a dummy. I know there are girly show spambots that want to friend you, chat with you on webcam and then infiltrate your computer and give it syphilis. I have had similar friend requests in my own Yahoo account (which isn't a secret). But that doesn't mean I didn't give him some maaaad shit for it. :D

Smells like....Glade PlugIns

I went to a wedding this weekend and it was one of the sadder affairs I've seen. The betrothed were a pair of 19-year-olds who had an oops-baby two years ago and have endured a tumultuous relationship since then. This is of course ample grounds to get married, right?! Because getting married fixes everything.


I didn't have terribly high expectations, but I wasn't expecting to arrive at the chapel and have it smell like poorly cleaned bathrooms and mustiness. I don't know when the last time was that they aired the place out, but it felt and smelled like few people ever went there and even fewer kept it up. There was a harried wedding planner running around with no shoes on, thrusting boutonnieres at some people and programs at others, tossing a rushed "Welcome!" and strained smile over her shoulder. The family of the groom stood awkwardly off to the side, not helping her, shifting their weight from foot to foot, muttering their own welcomes and half-smiles. One usher escorted one person at a time inside to be seated. My group just kind of sidled on in without the usher because really, what's the big deal? Just sit down. The bride's family was chatty though, and groom's grandmother seemed excited and pleased to be there.


The inside was dark. There were small, high windows filtering in sickly late-afternoon sunlight that didn't reach the altar, no candles, and very few decorations. The place was spartan. I felt kind of sorry for the bride at the thought of her wedding photos memorializing this depressing place. Then the processional began and it was, I don't know, Pachelbel or Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring or something typical to modern weddings. The extremely short and tiny Maid of Honor walked with the extremely tall and huge Best Man, which was super funny, like Baby Sprout walking with the Jolly Green Giant.

The bride's march, however, was not at all what I expected. The program said "Ave Maria" and I was like, heh, that's a different choice for the bride. Beautiful song though, I don't blame her. WELL. Below is the version of Ave Maria we heard. Go ahead. Play it.





Except it wasn't even Beyonce's version-- it was like a pop country cover or something. OMG. The bride came in with her dad and she was already bawling, long streaks of mascara running down her cheeks. Ay yi yi. Maybe I'm inhuman or something, but I didn't feel anywhere close to crying at the onset of my own ceremony. I felt kind of dreamlike and surreal. Also a little hungry.


So the celebrant is talking and he sounds bored, droning on and on about church teachings instead of these two young people who are choosing to build a life together. The thing I dislike about church ceremonies is that it doesn't offer you any practical advice or wise words about what a marriage is actually about. There's nothing in there about respecting your spouse as an extension of yourself, not taking each other for granted, being a good listener or covering each other's backs. Or a zillion other things about which I could wax indignant. There are some bits about being kind and not slapping each other with mean words, but mostly it's the same regular stuff you get at a weekly service, recycled to loosely fit into a wedding ceremony. Thanks. Very helpful.


Anyway, now we get to the part where some people light unity candles and some people do other things, and I think this couple did the sand-pouring thing. I couldn't really see, but the arm/elbow movements kind of looked like it. At this point I notice the groom is on crutches, which sucks for him. I hadn't heard about an injury, so not sure what was going on there. But the important part is that the accompanying music? Why, it was another radio tween pop song!





The lyrics, they just.....don't they just change your life? The sad thing is, I have to admit they are better than usual! YES, I am serious. They are less obvious than the other crap on the radio, which isn't to say this song isn't crap, it's just crap with a Glade PlugIn next to it. Maybe it's the same crap the male singer is trying to expel when he sings "heyy."


After the entire four-minute song is exhausted, there's more talking, the couple kiss and everyone cheers. It was the most rousing part of the ceremony. Then the bride goes to walk back up the aisle and the groom kind of lurches and they look confused, and then I remember he's on crutches. And then! The barefoot wedding planner scooted around the side of them with a wheelchair, the groom plopped into it, and the bride wheeled her new husband him up the aisle and out the door. I'm sure it was a legitimate injury and probably hurt, but.....BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA.


The reception was surprisingly classy, given the conditions of the ceremony, except for the fact that almost all the music was versions of the Tootsee Roll, the Electric Slide, the Cupid Shuffle and the Chicken Dance. There were some other songs played, but they were mostly of the pop/r&b line-dancing variety. OH! And there was a MEDLEY of Michael Jackson songs. Seriously??? How do you shaft the King a proper appearance at a wedding and not even play one whole song?! I was kind of pissed about that. The food was very good but the drinks were very weak. I downed a total of seven drinks at $5+ each, and I didn't have anything even resembling a buzz.


The groom's family didn't dance at all, even when country songs were played just for them. Well, except for his dad, who made out with his girlfriend and fondled her ass on the dance floor during most of the slow dances. This same girlfriend had insulted the groomsmen when she arrived at the reception and I heard them bashing her when I went outside for some warm air (too much air conditioning). The groom sat at the head table all night and looked like he was pained to even be there. For real, man up, pop a Vicodin and bust a move with your wife. Just for one song! Even their cute little daughter was owning the dance floor-- not shy, that one, and a great dancer already at age two.


So, interesting observation of human behavior at this wedding. Despite the pervading odor of Glade's Dewberry Dreams, I hope that couple really loves each other and that they make it.

I love Facebook

In the spirit of my girl Kailey's recent post about Facebook stereotypes (my favorite is #2), I thought I'd expand her list by several more ridiculous examples except more in the realm of Facebook gripes. Because they're funny! Or annoying? Whatever the case, buyers beware because I'm about to get judgey.


*The Oversharer
Okay. I get that Facebook is an efficient way of getting interesting information about you to as many (or as few) people as you choose. It's passive and you don't have to explain things to a bunch of different people a bunch of times. I like it for that reason-- it's great to post a status update about the show you're in the middle of seeing and potentially excite other people to hightail it to the same show, or that you had a terrible day and you'll be at this bar for dollar shots if anyone wants to join you, or to tell all 220 of your friends that your new baby's name is Twila. I think it's handy and cool and I do value efficiency. We straight on that? Good.


Now what I do not like and think is totally stupid is sharing EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR DAILY LIFE with your entire Facebook friend list. I do not care that you think your cat is a reincarnated pirate because her back leg wobbles and her meows sound like "arrrrs." That's moronic. Also moronic is that you think you're psychic because the phone rang just as you were thinking of calling the insurance company. I don't want to hear that the wind's blowing through your hair as you drive because what the fuck is your stupid ass doing Facebooking while driving anyway? And I certainly don't want to read over and over how up and down you're feeling about your husband leaving you for some younger slut. Broadcast to hundreds of people! That shit is private-- how about you go old-school, call a fucking friend and quit subjecting the rest of us to your misery just so you can collect dozens of "oh im so sorry" comments below? And what if you get back together? What are you going to broadcast then?


Ever since I've grown to be incredibly annoyed with these people, I've found myself culling my own status updates and I like to think they are slightly less shitty for that reason.


*The Hider
This person generally has crap tons of photos and they are ALL of that person's child/ren or pet/s and NONE are of the actual person who runs the Facebook account. Lots of the time the child/ren and/or pet/s are in the exact same position as in the previous picture, only with a slightly different facial expression or maybe they're looking to the left instead of down. That shit is boring. More often than not, one of those pictures is also the profile picture, which I find just pathetic. It's like saying you've surrendered your individuality now that you have a pretty family, and now that you are represented by this small, pretty babyfriend, you don't matter anymore. I suppose that substituting pictures of your kids for your own frees you of the burden of looking halfway decent for a picture, but I did not befriend your children. I befriended YOU. Where is that person? Is it really so torturous to be yourself? Why are you hiding behind a photo of your child?
Another point on the zillion pictures of your kids-- I think that makes you kind of a jackass. It's not like the kid had a choice in you putting his or her picture on the internet to be immortalized for all time. And nobody in their right mind is going to look at all 73 identical photos of Junior in his baby swing. If they do, it's either Angelina Jolie thinking that's fresh meat for sale or a pedophile scoping your kid out. I don't think you really want any of those vibes, do you? Speaking of which....


*The Toddler
Once in awhile, I run across a profile for a real-life child. Like, a babyfriend or sometimes a kid in elementary school but the vast majority of child profiles I've seen are for toddlers. Who does that?? If the issue is to share your child's progress and pictures with trusted friends and family, why wouldn't you open a secure blog instead and invite people to view it? Do you know how many child predators there are on Facebook (and MySpace)? LOTS. It doesn't matter that a parent or guardian is running the child's Facebook page (not to mention that it's probably against the user agreement, if you want to get compliancey about it), it is a gross misuse of your child's trust and lack of free will.


*The Pet
To people who open profiles for their animals: WHAT THE FUCK. Why don't you have anything better to do than don the persona of your pet and keep a whole separate Facebook page for it?


*The FarmVille/Mob Wars/Sorority Life Junkie
Why would you join a social networking site just to play games and endlessly annoy your friends by demanding that they "buy eggs from your farm!"? VIRTUAL EGGS that cost not only virtual money (that you must earn somehow by virtual means), they also cost you minutes and perhaps hours of your actual life that you will never, ever be able to retrieve. I did enjoy the Oregon Trail application Facebook had for awhile, for nostalgia's sake. But as novelties do, that obsession faded in about five minutes and now I actually talk to friends on Facebook since that's, you know, what it's FOR. Sadly, that was not the case for people I know who are still helplessly (albeit happily?) addicted to the hardcore idiocy of Mob Wars, the insipidity of Sorority Life (gag me), or the mindless fuckery of FarmVille.


*The Random Friender
 Has everyone gotten that friend request from a total stranger? Sometimes by someone who lives in your city but also sometimes by someone in a place you've never even heard of? What the hell is that about? Especially since I'm careful to make sure my profile and photos are for friends only, I get confused and irritated at this. What is the point if all you can see in my profile photo is a volcano? If you actually cared to get to know me, you'd strain a finger and write me a MESSAGE. The last person to randomly friend me? He had over 1000 friends, nearly all of them women.


*The Poker
Because sometimes you just can't be bothered to actually type a sentence asking how someone is-- you have to "poke" them with an annoying, online finger and hope they ask how you are.