Smells like....Glade PlugIns

I went to a wedding this weekend and it was one of the sadder affairs I've seen. The betrothed were a pair of 19-year-olds who had an oops-baby two years ago and have endured a tumultuous relationship since then. This is of course ample grounds to get married, right?! Because getting married fixes everything.


I didn't have terribly high expectations, but I wasn't expecting to arrive at the chapel and have it smell like poorly cleaned bathrooms and mustiness. I don't know when the last time was that they aired the place out, but it felt and smelled like few people ever went there and even fewer kept it up. There was a harried wedding planner running around with no shoes on, thrusting boutonnieres at some people and programs at others, tossing a rushed "Welcome!" and strained smile over her shoulder. The family of the groom stood awkwardly off to the side, not helping her, shifting their weight from foot to foot, muttering their own welcomes and half-smiles. One usher escorted one person at a time inside to be seated. My group just kind of sidled on in without the usher because really, what's the big deal? Just sit down. The bride's family was chatty though, and groom's grandmother seemed excited and pleased to be there.


The inside was dark. There were small, high windows filtering in sickly late-afternoon sunlight that didn't reach the altar, no candles, and very few decorations. The place was spartan. I felt kind of sorry for the bride at the thought of her wedding photos memorializing this depressing place. Then the processional began and it was, I don't know, Pachelbel or Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring or something typical to modern weddings. The extremely short and tiny Maid of Honor walked with the extremely tall and huge Best Man, which was super funny, like Baby Sprout walking with the Jolly Green Giant.

The bride's march, however, was not at all what I expected. The program said "Ave Maria" and I was like, heh, that's a different choice for the bride. Beautiful song though, I don't blame her. WELL. Below is the version of Ave Maria we heard. Go ahead. Play it.





Except it wasn't even Beyonce's version-- it was like a pop country cover or something. OMG. The bride came in with her dad and she was already bawling, long streaks of mascara running down her cheeks. Ay yi yi. Maybe I'm inhuman or something, but I didn't feel anywhere close to crying at the onset of my own ceremony. I felt kind of dreamlike and surreal. Also a little hungry.


So the celebrant is talking and he sounds bored, droning on and on about church teachings instead of these two young people who are choosing to build a life together. The thing I dislike about church ceremonies is that it doesn't offer you any practical advice or wise words about what a marriage is actually about. There's nothing in there about respecting your spouse as an extension of yourself, not taking each other for granted, being a good listener or covering each other's backs. Or a zillion other things about which I could wax indignant. There are some bits about being kind and not slapping each other with mean words, but mostly it's the same regular stuff you get at a weekly service, recycled to loosely fit into a wedding ceremony. Thanks. Very helpful.


Anyway, now we get to the part where some people light unity candles and some people do other things, and I think this couple did the sand-pouring thing. I couldn't really see, but the arm/elbow movements kind of looked like it. At this point I notice the groom is on crutches, which sucks for him. I hadn't heard about an injury, so not sure what was going on there. But the important part is that the accompanying music? Why, it was another radio tween pop song!





The lyrics, they just.....don't they just change your life? The sad thing is, I have to admit they are better than usual! YES, I am serious. They are less obvious than the other crap on the radio, which isn't to say this song isn't crap, it's just crap with a Glade PlugIn next to it. Maybe it's the same crap the male singer is trying to expel when he sings "heyy."


After the entire four-minute song is exhausted, there's more talking, the couple kiss and everyone cheers. It was the most rousing part of the ceremony. Then the bride goes to walk back up the aisle and the groom kind of lurches and they look confused, and then I remember he's on crutches. And then! The barefoot wedding planner scooted around the side of them with a wheelchair, the groom plopped into it, and the bride wheeled her new husband him up the aisle and out the door. I'm sure it was a legitimate injury and probably hurt, but.....BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA.


The reception was surprisingly classy, given the conditions of the ceremony, except for the fact that almost all the music was versions of the Tootsee Roll, the Electric Slide, the Cupid Shuffle and the Chicken Dance. There were some other songs played, but they were mostly of the pop/r&b line-dancing variety. OH! And there was a MEDLEY of Michael Jackson songs. Seriously??? How do you shaft the King a proper appearance at a wedding and not even play one whole song?! I was kind of pissed about that. The food was very good but the drinks were very weak. I downed a total of seven drinks at $5+ each, and I didn't have anything even resembling a buzz.


The groom's family didn't dance at all, even when country songs were played just for them. Well, except for his dad, who made out with his girlfriend and fondled her ass on the dance floor during most of the slow dances. This same girlfriend had insulted the groomsmen when she arrived at the reception and I heard them bashing her when I went outside for some warm air (too much air conditioning). The groom sat at the head table all night and looked like he was pained to even be there. For real, man up, pop a Vicodin and bust a move with your wife. Just for one song! Even their cute little daughter was owning the dance floor-- not shy, that one, and a great dancer already at age two.


So, interesting observation of human behavior at this wedding. Despite the pervading odor of Glade's Dewberry Dreams, I hope that couple really loves each other and that they make it.